Sociality - (ii)

No doubt that human is a complex creature. We are sociable, but we need solitude. We drift by the unstable instinct that we sometimes need companion while sometimes we stay away from crowds. Everyone has a different rhythm and it is uneasy to have the many rhythms echoed at the same moment. Gap is unavoidable and therefore unfortunately results in disappointment.

A call for company is in vain. Silence is the only voice among a crowd. Such pattern constantly repeats without variance.

Our desire for a long-lasting companion is so strong that we deliberately create "marriage" to "formally" tie up two individuals. Such desire is also so strong that overcomes the small wish to stay alone. Our fear of boredom and loneliness is unconquerable and perpetual. Indeed, peace of mind is priceless.

Yesterday I attended a wedding banquet for the first time. It was not touching. Everyone had a smile on their face, but they did not look true to me. Perhaps I was too sensitive, or pessimistic. In my eyes, the guests were there only to witness the couple signed a legal agreement. They decided to be tied up with each other by law. It did not look a real blessing that everyone in the banquet, including the couple, truly wishes the two would be staying together forever, bringing happiness to each other. Instead, it looked a superficial commitment. The banquet was for the sake of doing. Of course this could be my misunderstanding.

When people knew the bride was pregnant, their response was "I see". Seems to be fair enough. No further comment. This could be another misunderstanding of mine. I can speak no words.

Certainly I should not say all these things. Just that, the usual human behaviour is not convincing enough to be followed with.

I wonder, what's the point of being conscious of staying alive? I am lost in our so-called wisdom, nd our stupidity paradox. We create constraints for ourselves, while we claim we are free. We say we are wise, while we continue to repeat our mistakes. We cannot even control our desire to be alone, or in the crowd.

I have never had such a strong feeling that happiness is just an illusive bubble.

Sociality

A novel wrote that if a person really had to seek for help from others, s/he would have died while waiting.

It was striking when I read, but sadly it has repeated so frequently that there will no be otherwise. After all, the only one who can save me is myself. There is no alternative at all. It does not mean someone has to be blamed on this, but it is only my fault if I look for aids, since no one is responsible for anything about myself.

Life is not a tragedy, just that it is not a joy at all. And if I were to explain the story, it would only have ended up a joke that is not funny. Silence is gold.

Human Conversation

My lover is a very good observer that he often points out something that people do not notice. Affected by him, I start observing some pieces that draw my personal interest. One of the things is about our conversation with people.

Many of us, including I myself, often fall into a habit that we repeat what we want to say for couple of times. For instance, if I want to tell my lover that my boss bought me lunch today, I tend to repeat this statement for two to three times. It does not only happen on oral conversation, but also written article. Perhaps I am indeed a very typical example of this - right now I tend to repeatedly highlight this observation. This seems to be an endless repetition.

I suspect such behaviour may be due to the underlying reason that we want to be more convincing, or we fear that our audience do not pay enough attention to what we want to tell, even though most of the time the matter is trivial to others. We just want to share, while very often we do not know how curious our audience are. Maybe they do not wish to know at all, but they choose to listen because they want to be polite. When I come to this point, I believe I am actually the one that is impolite when I repeat, because I am not considerate enough to think deeply whether my words are interesting for others. This happens more on older people, which is why the young always complain the old are clumsy.

How to get away from this bad habit? I guess the only thing I can do is to keep alert about how this behaviour is displeasing.