Sociality - (ii)

No doubt that human is a complex creature. We are sociable, but we need solitude. We drift by the unstable instinct that we sometimes need companion while sometimes we stay away from crowds. Everyone has a different rhythm and it is uneasy to have the many rhythms echoed at the same moment. Gap is unavoidable and therefore unfortunately results in disappointment.

A call for company is in vain. Silence is the only voice among a crowd. Such pattern constantly repeats without variance.

Our desire for a long-lasting companion is so strong that we deliberately create "marriage" to "formally" tie up two individuals. Such desire is also so strong that overcomes the small wish to stay alone. Our fear of boredom and loneliness is unconquerable and perpetual. Indeed, peace of mind is priceless.

Yesterday I attended a wedding banquet for the first time. It was not touching. Everyone had a smile on their face, but they did not look true to me. Perhaps I was too sensitive, or pessimistic. In my eyes, the guests were there only to witness the couple signed a legal agreement. They decided to be tied up with each other by law. It did not look a real blessing that everyone in the banquet, including the couple, truly wishes the two would be staying together forever, bringing happiness to each other. Instead, it looked a superficial commitment. The banquet was for the sake of doing. Of course this could be my misunderstanding.

When people knew the bride was pregnant, their response was "I see". Seems to be fair enough. No further comment. This could be another misunderstanding of mine. I can speak no words.

Certainly I should not say all these things. Just that, the usual human behaviour is not convincing enough to be followed with.

I wonder, what's the point of being conscious of staying alive? I am lost in our so-called wisdom, nd our stupidity paradox. We create constraints for ourselves, while we claim we are free. We say we are wise, while we continue to repeat our mistakes. We cannot even control our desire to be alone, or in the crowd.

I have never had such a strong feeling that happiness is just an illusive bubble.

Sociality

A novel wrote that if a person really had to seek for help from others, s/he would have died while waiting.

It was striking when I read, but sadly it has repeated so frequently that there will no be otherwise. After all, the only one who can save me is myself. There is no alternative at all. It does not mean someone has to be blamed on this, but it is only my fault if I look for aids, since no one is responsible for anything about myself.

Life is not a tragedy, just that it is not a joy at all. And if I were to explain the story, it would only have ended up a joke that is not funny. Silence is gold.

Human Conversation

My lover is a very good observer that he often points out something that people do not notice. Affected by him, I start observing some pieces that draw my personal interest. One of the things is about our conversation with people.

Many of us, including I myself, often fall into a habit that we repeat what we want to say for couple of times. For instance, if I want to tell my lover that my boss bought me lunch today, I tend to repeat this statement for two to three times. It does not only happen on oral conversation, but also written article. Perhaps I am indeed a very typical example of this - right now I tend to repeatedly highlight this observation. This seems to be an endless repetition.

I suspect such behaviour may be due to the underlying reason that we want to be more convincing, or we fear that our audience do not pay enough attention to what we want to tell, even though most of the time the matter is trivial to others. We just want to share, while very often we do not know how curious our audience are. Maybe they do not wish to know at all, but they choose to listen because they want to be polite. When I come to this point, I believe I am actually the one that is impolite when I repeat, because I am not considerate enough to think deeply whether my words are interesting for others. This happens more on older people, which is why the young always complain the old are clumsy.

How to get away from this bad habit? I guess the only thing I can do is to keep alert about how this behaviour is displeasing.

Le Temps Qui Reste

This evening I watched a poor local film acted by Jacky Cheung and Tang Wei. It is poor because the director, who's also the script writer, fails to reflect her story idea effectively. It looks more like a TV drama than a proper film. There is reason for local film industry being so weak.

I often recall the French film Le Temps Qui Reste, which is about the final time of a man diagnosed with serious disease. I do not remember every part of the film, but what impressed me is that he spent his last moment at a beach facing the sunset - this is how the film ends as well. I still remember I once had a dream at one night, that I knew I was going to die and I was lying on a comfortable beach chair with a glass of fruit punch, facing the sun. In that scene, I was able to see how I was like as I was just watching at my back, but for some reason I knew that was me. That's why I found it kind of shocked when I was watching the last part of the film; and that is why I love the film a lot.

This is not the first time I wrote about this film. It only means I cannot forget my dream.

Signals from the Body

A famous writer once wrote on his column that there is a quota for everything in our life. This happens both physically and mentally One example is that the doctor will tell you on one day sooner or later that you cannot smoke your cigarette anymore, or else it will kill you. Another more relaxed example on himself is that on one day he suddenly cannot write anymore for he has not the least interest nor muse anymore. This is his personal life experience - the over 70-year-old man is on the way to his final life episode.

I recalled this article because recently my stomach always complains. It complains when I eat too much / too late / too early / too less / too oily / too heavy. It also complains when I eat something I has been favour a lot and healthy, like mushrooms. I still like mushrooms a lot, but I cannot have them much anymore. This is a signal from my body that I must control my diet. The time to eat as I wish is gone. I am trying to get used to this.

I can imagine how I will gradually lose the power over my body and my mind. This is a part of the life cycle. Then I shall ask, why do we create so many tasteless hardships ourselves?

Relationships

When we are small, we tend to play with people of the same sex. In the age of 20-40, or 50, we enjoy spending time with people of opposite gender. Then when we are close to death, we gradually stay with people of the same sex again. This leads me to believe that we start and end with a simple ion, despite having a complicated time in between. Where I have come from is where I am heading to.

Relationships - I always agree that human is a sociable creature that we need to live in a group, which is why we have neighbourhood, community and society. However, I cannot deny that this is actually not necessary. Once there are more than two persons, there's politics. People randomly come across my life, and randomly leave my life for their own way. It is impermanence.

I lost my mobile recently that I lost most of my contacts. As always, I do not feel that I need those contacts urgently or desperately. In fact, once again it only proves how much I do not need them. I have arrived to this world alone, and I shall leave this world alone. Sounds so much like a circle - very small in one end, then grow to the biggest in the centre, ending the smallest again in the other end. Relationships, I found that after all, are not necessity. I may need one relationship, but it does not matter much if I lose it. There is nothing to lose in our life.

One may well call this as pessimism, yet I do not see how this may hinder me from reaching happiness. Happiness is impermanence.

I have noticed that most things do not weigh as much as they appear to be.

Recent TV Commercial

Recently the government has two TV commercials promoting its latest proposal on referendum movement. Seriously I hate watching them because I cannot stop thinking about the implications of these TV commercials, which make me uncomfortable.

The first commercial was a girl who designed a cocktail dress for herself, and in the end her mother made it for her. Looks like her mother is our government, which has tailored made the dress, or the referendum movement, for her. The girl, or people in Hong Kong, can only choose that dress without any saying. The mother did not measure the size of the girl; nor did the mother seek any comment from the girl. The only choice of the girl is to put on the dress, pretending she's very happy.

The second commercial was dancing teacher and his student. The dancing teacher kept going back to the first step, making the student unhappy - sounds like saying some people in Hong Kong hindering democracy development, making the "majority" in Hong Kong unhappy. Then when this proposal comes out, the dancing teacher leads his student to finish the whole dancing - saying the proposal is the right option that we must take.

I suspect the government treating its people fools. For what should I expect our government is able to lead us a positive future when the commercials simply demonstrate again how superficial this government is.

This once again proves the best has long gone.

Revisit

It's been so long that I am away from here. Let me resume, starting from today.

I should abandon the frame I set for myself as I feel it silly to create a burden myself for a place where I should have the full control, which no one will say anything actually.

This is an example again demonstrating how I am like many people who are stuck in the trap set by myself.

There are already so many constraints in my real life.